second round of semester anxiety dreams: crashing down in an elevator, but i survive.
this movie tho.
listening to “ripple” and working achingly slowly but I think this is probably one of my favorite episodes of television of all time and I just found what might be my background working noise for the next couple weeks?
god I loved “Freaks and Geeks”.
that time a very important writer to young carmen gave a commencement speech at my undergrad alma mater.
but also because it is international women’s day and i still wanna fight TERFs and white feminists who forget about WOC and anyone who doesnt get intersectionality and this week has proven that mills still has a lot to fucking deal with (seriously, deja vu with some of these awful racist white women, christ, our protest was in 09 meaning…five years later?).
still i was talking to a guy who made a joke about me being perceived as a manhater or ballbuster or whatever the fuck asinine comment nervous men are using to run offense/defense past me, and i just stared at him and said, yeah, i do hate men. given that i’m a part of an academic program where i’m consistently having to prove myself, going into a working world where i’m gonna constantly have to play the games of just deferential and charming enough while proving i’m tough as nails and can keep up, never pretty or handsome enough to fit into gender roles defined by a heterosexual cismale gaze, grabbing my keys or my u-lock when i walk or speed down a street, made to feel shame for my desires, made to be quiet or still or afraid of the words in me, and mostly because one day i’m going to piss off or freak out the wrong man (not my former lovers or friends or family or strangers), other than dissolving into despair, you bet your ass sometimes the only way to keep walking is to rage against men and how furious I am that so many men have no fucking clue how goddamn lucky they are.
in which i run off the rails:
If we count the non-profit sector, considered the grey sector between public and private sector agencies, the majority of city services as well as transportation equity and access work is being done by non-public sector agencies. Because of this, transportation advocacy groups need to be committed to fucking getting young people involved i mean jesus christ do you see how many rich tech motherfuckers are riding their fixies up and down valencia good lord they have money also like they can pay for poor kids who wanna be in bike club to not fall in a pot hole or not have to ride seven dozen fucking buses to go to school, jesus get it together people.
this is about when I decide I should probably stop drinking coffee take a break and go eat some goddamn lunch.
nobody can understand how much my skin crawls listening to really mediocre spoken word. (shh vocalo, I am looking at you.)
just because you are screaming and upping and downing your cadence does not make it poetry, nor does it make it illuminating.
im done now.
and sometimes when you’re on when you’re really fucking on and your friends they sing along and they love you but the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap and it teases you for weeks in its absence
but you’ll fight and you’ll make it through you’ll fake it if you have to and you’ll show up for work with a smile
and you’ll better and you’ll be smarter and more grown up and a better daughter or son and a real good friend
you’ll be awake you’ll be alert you’ll be positive though it hurts and you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends
you’ll be a real good listener you’ll be honest you’ll be brave you’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful
you’ll be happy
fact: the one time you go to the clinic because maybe it is something bad is when it is never, ever something actually bad.
(although the doc said it might get worse before it gets better HOORAY.)
"Only Humans" by Kathleen Rooney — Beauty & Brawn Gallery, 2.8.14
Poem topic: “Books”
———-All these people
make the city itself resemble
a text, but the only book in these
scenarios is the actual book.
Books are incomparable, openable
and closable and causing thoughts
in your mind: Where are yougoing
& what do you expect to find when you get there?
most recent mars/mercury last semester anxiety dreams of the weekend:
one involving blurry faces and pool tables and sitting near the river.
last night: chase scene, where I still shy away from the detection of terror versus exhilaration, an amalgamation of fighting and flighting. we’re in a shopping mall, maybe, a tall glass and fern-filled place I’ve been a thousand times and never been in. the boys are there, and some other people I’m not quite sure, and we’re running, some weird terror tag. because it is me and I am small and flight always goes first, I evade often, think about a snack. the escalators, as the omens they’ve always been for me and abuela a (i’m not joking) are my doom. when he catches me, we’re laughing, but I can’t tell why— it is sinister, there’s a pain there, but something is telling me yes, this is the way it ends.
Me and Carlos FOR REAL.